a year of firsts

has it been a year already?

before lulu was born, i had serious fears that i would never love this child as much as i love gracie.  how in the world could THIS baby be even half as amazing as my sweet doodlebug?  would i neglect this baby because gracie was so much cooler?  would i love gracie less because i only have so much love and attention to give to my children?

boy, was i wrong.  if i've learned anything this past year, it's that the human heart is capable of INFINITE love.  and though my attention has definitely been divided, my love for each of them is equally as deep.  how is that possible?

i will admit, though, that my attention to them has definitely been compromised. i feel like baby #2 is growing up faster than baby #1, because i now have TWO children to pay attention to, so i'm missing out on something somewhere almost all the time.  plus, baby #2 is watching what baby #1 is doing, so she learns a lot faster (which is amazing because i swear i haven't taught lulu a damn thing all year -- i'm just too busy! -- but somehow she's meeting all of her milestones way ahead than gracie did when she was a baby).

my precocious lulu.  turning over at 6 weeks. sitting up at 3 months. solid foods at 4 1/2 months.  crawling at 6 months.  walking at 9 months.  RUNNING at 10 months.  talking at 11 months.

her first sentence at 11 months:  "mama!  ah duh!  gooooo!  mama goooo! ah duh!"  (she was all done at the thrift store and REALLY wanted to leave.  like, adamantly.  but instead of crying, she just said this sentence over and over.  what a bright child!)


her first food at 4 1/2 months was organic, local sweet potatoes, licked off of a spatula.  (actually, her first food was breastmilk.  her second food was sweet potatoes.)


her first steps at 9 months were taken at gracie's taekwondo studio.  just up and walked.  there was no thinking, or practicing, or whatever.  she just up and walked one day, and that was the end of it.  (she got sick with a bad fever for a week shortly thereafter, and then we went on a trip to louisiana for a week, so she kind of forgot.  but the moment we got home, she walked again.)


she loves books.  she loves toddling into her room, sitting down in front of the bookshelf, and grabbing a book to flip through.  she doesn't rip the pages, or eat the covers.  she's very gentle and curious about turning the pages.

she loves music.  ALL children love music, but this one in particular has shown a great aptitude for rhythm and tone.  she learned how to clap her hands very early on (maybe at 8 months old?) and loves clapping whenever she has an excuse to.  i love when other people are clapping for someone, for a job well done, and lulu (not really paying attention to what just happened of course) will drop what she's doing and start clapping too.  or, for example, if gracie goes down the slide and i say "way to go, gracie!  yay!"  then lulu will stop mid-stride and clap her hands for gracie who just went down the slide.  she does this for everyone all the time always.  so sweet.  ...  back to music: she LOVES music.  seriously LOVES it.  there was a time when i couldn't sing her a lullaby to get to sleep, because she would instead tune into the tone and the rhythm and pay attention to the music instead of sleeping.  i'd instead just have to whisper to her, "shhhh. mama's here.  shhhh.  mama's here," over and over.  i can finally sing to her now, but it's only one song in particular:

hush a bye, don't you cry

go to sleep little baby

when you wake you shall have

all the pretty little horses

if we ever can't get lulu to settle down, we'll play music for her.  if it's loud enough to be heard over her crying, she will almost instantly quiet down to pay attention.  eventually she will fall asleep, but it's only because she's EXHAUSTED (which is what made her cry in the first place), and not because the music lulled her to sleep.  

we've got her in the early childhood music program at UNT on saturday mornings, and boy does she love that!  the interesting thing, though, is that when she sits on my lap and faces me, she LOVES this class.  giggling, happy, clapping hands, etc.  but when she sits on my lap and faces the rest of the circle of children, she studies them and pays attention to what's going on.  then the shakers and drumsticks come out, and that's it -- she will NOT give up her egg shaker unless you pry it out of her hand at the end of class.  she doesn't do the interpretive scarf dance very well, either, because she's still busy with her shaker.

speaking of dancing, lulu loves her little baby dolls and stuffed animals.  she has two care bears that she adores.  we think she picked up on this baby doll obsession because she's the oldest baby in her classroom right now.  so all day long, she walks around patting the babies, or rubbing the babies, or talking to the babies, or loving the babies.  one day she discovered this baby doll at the house (i think maybe i introduced it to her??  it was one i bought for gracie when we lived in holland -- she never showed any interest in it but i kept it just in case).  and ever since then, all you have to say is "lulu, where's your baby?" and she'll drop everything to go in search of her baby.  or her care bear, whichever she's in the mood for.  and she'll find the baby, and pick up the baby, and pat the baby, and hug the baby, and then dance with the baby, and then bring the baby over to her swing (which she has been too big for for a long time now), and swing the baby, and tuck the baby in, and love the baby.  IT'S SO FREAKING CUTE I CAN'T STAND IT.

lulu also loves vacuuming, doing laundry, and helping with the dishes.  she'll close the washing machine door and stand there to watch the clothes swirling about.  she loves taking silverware out of the dishwasher (usually when they're still dirty) and licking them.  that part's gross, but i appreciate her interest in helping out.  and if you ever need to know where lulu is in the house, just turn on the little purple vacuum cleaner.  she'll come tearing out of whatever room she's been in and make sure that you let her use the vacuum cleaner too.

her first word (after sign language) was GO!  if she hears the back door open, she'll run as fast as she can (and lordy is she fast) to the door, yelling "a go! a go! a go!" waving her arm bye-bye, and trying to get out the door before you close it behind you.  if you DO happen to close the door before she can get there, she'll stand on the other side and CRY so hard!  most of the time, though, you can't close the door fast enough (because that child is quick!) and she's crawling down the little step into the garage and tearing down the driveway out to the street just as fast as her little feet can carry her.  she may look like adam, but she's got my personality: any chance to get out of the house and GO, she's all for it!!

and we're still, gratefully, thankfully, gladly going strong on the breastfeeding.  we had a really rough start at first, and after a week i finally caved and got a lactation consultant to help us figure out what was going on.  but now that child won't quit!  all i have to do is sit down on the couch and she'll attack me until i nurse her.  but what i love is when i just call out to her, "lulu, do you want some milk?"  crash! bang!  drop everything you're doing and bulldoze your way over to mom QUICK!  i can't get my shirt up fast enough, she's whining and clawing and sucking on my arm or neck or whatever trying to get to the milk.  it's amazing, and hilarious, and really reassuring considering all the struggles we had that first week.  i swear the child will be nursing until she's in kindergarten.  i have no idea how i'll be able to wean her.  she's addicted, that's all there is to it.

there's so much more to share.  and if you can't tell, it's been just shy of a year since the last time i blogged.  wanna know why?  i'm totally busy with my two little girls.  i feel bad i'm not documenting my time with lulu the way i was able to with gracie, but i hope at least that the adventures we're on together, and the fun times we're having as a family will make up for all the missed blogging opportunities.  that child has kept me on my toes, that's for sure.  and i have loved every exhausting minute of it.

labor of lululove

it's been nearly one month since the birth of our second child, louisa mae briggle.  i keep meaning to sit down and write out the story of her birth, but haven't been able to find the time until now.  imagine that.  and i'm sure i'll get part way through this and have to put it down for another day...  but i'm learning as the mother of two children to pace myself.  it will all get done eventually. And actually it is mostly Adam's fault that this is posted so late...he keeps doing work rather than helping with this blog!

the day i went into labor with lulu, i was out at the denton community market.  i was 6 days "overdue" at this point, and though i was happy as a clam being pregnant forever (i'm so good at it!  and i get to eat as many donuts as i want!), i was getting annoyed by all the people asking me (good naturedly, i'm sure) when the baby was going to get here, and how long i'm going to be pregnant, and haven't i had my baby yet, and and and...  seriously, people.  enough.  plus, it's getting hot here in texas and i wanted to hold my baby in my arms before passing out from heat stroke.  it's not easy having a 9-lb heater strapped to your belly all day long when temps are already in the 90's.

but back up:  i really think my labor started a few days before this, as i had been uncomfortable with back pains (lulu was "sunny side up") and having some bloody show.  i had a feeling i wasn't going to last the weekend, even though i still felt (mostly) calm and comfortable.  (with my labor with gracie  i got huge and squishy and hormonal several weeks before, and was a sloppy mess, and i was mostly expecting that to happen with lulu too, since that's all i knew about what labor was like...)  and this baby that i had been carrying so high for so long had been steadily dropping with strong braxton-hicks contractions ever since the end of april.  my body was readying itself.

so the day i went into labor, i was at the community market, trying to keep myself occupied, knowing that soon enough i'll be homebound with a sore body and a newborn.  that afternoon i went home for a nice, long nap -- i was up for several hours the night before, feeling uncomfortable and antsy.  i ended up at the birth center at about midnight on Friday, the night before i actually went into labor, because i just wasn't sure if it was labor or not, but something didn't feel "right" to me.  after an hour or so on the non-stress-test monitor, the midwife sent me home.  so it was a long night, but an exciting one!  Adam came with me that night after picking up Barb to stay with Gracie while she slept. Of course, that was the one night in the last several months Adam had decided to go out for a few drinks with a friend. He was relieved Lulu decided to give him another day to recover.
anyway, naptime on Saturday, then got up and made a nice, easy, healthy dinner of baked tofu, rice, and steamed broccoli.  i sat down for some ice cream for dessert, and felt a HUGE contraction that just had a different quality to it than the ones i'd been having prior to this.

i went to the bathroom and noticed some pink (blood?  amniotic fluid?) in my panties, so i called the midwife again to check in with her.  i didn't want her to drive all the way to denton to check me since i had kept her up the night before with my false labor, and it was the weekend after all...  so i told her i'd keep her posted.  then i went outside to walk up and down the street.

i could feel my neighbors' watchful eyes as i waddled around, pausing every 2-3 minutes to have a contraction.  cal came out of his house to see if i needed anything.  i could tell that pearl was watching me from her window.  i just needed to keep moving to see if i could get this labor started. by 7:30 or so i was ready to do this thing, so i called my mom who was out babysitting and asked her to come over to watch gracie.  Barb was able to borrow a convertible car from a friend. then i asked cal to come over to hang out with gracie while we took off and gracie waited for her.  i packed up a few things, and adam drove me to innana where we waited for jean the midwife to come and check me out.

she arrived around 8:00 pm and i followed her in.  she checked to see if my water broke (it hadn't), then did an internal exam and found i was already 6 cm dilated.  "so, what do we do now?" i asked.

"i'm admitting you, and i'm calling betty to come deliver your baby tonight!"

i was stunned.  half believing, half unbelieving...  i still felt so good, so healthy, and so patient.  was my baby REALLY coming right now?  why was this so different than with gracie?  weren't my contractions going to stop or something?  they weren't that bad, after all.  doesn't my water need to break first?  it did last time i did this.  but, okay, if you say so...

i sent adam home to get my big pilates ball, the same one i labored on with gracie.  and to get me an ice tea from whataburger -- i felt like i was going to need the hydration and the caffeine to keep me going.  meanwhile, i settled in -- got the computer all set up so i could listen to my yoga music on pandora, changed into my labor gown, put my juice boxes in the freezer...  just...  nesting, i guess.

adam came back and made a few phone calls: the birth photographer  (who also doubles as a doula -- she did such a great job with these pictures because as a doula, she was never invasive or pushy, but always held the sacred space for me), my parents, a few friends, etc.  then we waited...

i wanted to MOVE during this labor.  with gracie, i wanted to rest and sit still a lot.  a lot like my pregnancy with her too, now that i think about it.  but with lulu, i felt like i had to keep moving or my labor would stop. (who knows if it would have or not -- but i didn't want to sit still.  just like during my pregnancy with her, too.)  i labored on my yoga mat.  i labored on my pilates ball.  i leaned on adam.  i walked.  i held onto one of the posts on the bed and squatted.  and it was such a lighthearted atmosphere, too!  at some point the birth assistant showed up, so it was just us four girls (betty the midwife, heidi the photographer, katie the assistant, and me) just chatting away.  i'd be in the middle of a sentence, then i'd have a contraction, pause, and then pick up where i left off.  it was so funny!  i had to have complete silence and focus, and be left alone with gracie's labor, but with this one i was social and active, and wanted to snuggle with my husband.  completely different!  there are pictures of adam in the background, and i asked him what that expression was in his body:  he looked nervous, or like he was concentrating or something.  he answered, honestly, that he was just bored.  funny to say, but he said it was like a girls night out in there or something, and that he didn't really have much to do until the very end.  which is true, i guess.  how funny! Yes, indeed, Adam felt a bit out of place and also useless...there were so many experienced women there to do all the work so he just hung out, occassionally texting people with updates.

at some point i got into the bathtub.  i always thought i wanted a water birth for my children -- with gracie i just never looked into it, because having a baby at home in a foreign country seemed crazy enough.  with lulu, i was looking into buying or renting a birth tub (originally we planned another home birth but i changed my mind a month or two before), but then when i decided to deliver at the birth center, i thought maybe i'd just use their big, gorgeous bathtub there.  my contractions were getting stronger and closer together (or at least, that's what it felt like), so i thought if i got in the tub, that would help ease the pain a bit.

it did help.  a lot.  i immediately relaxed, and i could tell that i was going to deliver soon because the conversation slowed way down, and the room got quieter and more intense.  after maybe 20 minutes (??) in the tub, i had to pee -- AGAIN.  but didn't want to do it in the tub if i was going to deliver my baby in there. so, once again, i got up to pee.  and at that point my contractions became so intense that i couldn't get myself back in the tub if i wanted to.

it was at this point that i started to get scared.  because, and sorry to keep bringing this up, it was so different than what i was expecting based on what happened with gracie.  with gracie's birth, i had visualized every moment of her birth.  i meditated on it daily, and talked to "spruitje" about what to do when it was time to be born.  and spruitje followed the script exactly.  so when things were touch and go with her birth, and everyone else was afraid spruitje wasn't coming fast enough (or at all), i wasn't worried -- i knew it was going to be okay, because i had already played it out over and over again in my mind.  but as hard as i tried with lulu, i could NOT picture what was going to happen.  believe me, i tried.  i even sat in the labor suite a few weeks before she was born, trying to map it out in my head, with no success.  i guess i was just going to have to go along for the ride when the time came.

so when my contractions came hard and fast, and it was getting close to the time to push, i started to get scared.  my sweet husband was so helpful, though -- i'd lean on him during a contraction, and he'd tell me how strong i was and what a good job i was doing already.  betty checked me and though i was only at 8.5 cm, she told me i could start to gently push if i wanted, to ease my cervix open, which i was more than happy to do.  up until now, i was just going along with it all -- now i actually had something to do. Adam could actually feel the baby drop lower during these contractions (or at least he thought he could)...which started to come one on top of the other.

around midnight Adam called my mom and gracie, and they came over right away to witness the birth of the newest briggle.  before things really got going, i looked right at gracie and told her that if she didn't want to be there, she didn't have to be -- she could go play video games on my phone in the other room, or she could go back home and wait for lulu and we'd be home in a couple of hours.  gracie and i had spent the last several months preparing her for her presence in the labor suite -- i told her about what was going to happen, and some of the things she would see.  i showed her some pictures of mamas giving birth naturally.  i told her that she never has to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable, but that if she felt okay, she was welcome to stay in the room when lulu is coming out of my body.  and armed with that information, my big, brave, curious girl wanted to stay, and i was in no state of mind to kick her out.

around 12:30 a.m. i got onto the bed and began to push.  and ROAR. At first Amber lay on her back, but that hurt and she began to feel dizzy but she could hardly move the contractions were happening so consistantly. i roared this child right on out of me, and i think it was the noise more than the sight that concerned (and scared) gracie.  betty told me i could lay on my side if i wanted (i hadn't thought about that as an option!), and though i'm not sure why she recommended that, it definitely worked -- after only 8 minutes of pushing (!!!), louisa came flying into the world, arms outstretched and eyes wide open! This was a very scary few minutes for both Amber and Adam. Amber said she was scared and had a look of panic in her eyes. Adam again felt hopeless- all he could do was help hold up Amber's exhausted left leg in between pushes. He got her a cold towel for her head, which seemed to help a bit, and he told her that she was only scared because she figured having done this once before it would be a piece of cake. But that is not the case - labor is always a big ordeal....that doesn't mean anything is wrong.

betty let me discover for myself if lulu was a boy or a girl -- which took an extra push because the umbilical cord was a bit short and was getting in the way of what i could see.  imagine my surprise and delight, when the child i thought was a boy turned out to be a girl -- AGAIN!  Yeah, and Adam was craning his neck trying to get a look at the baby...it seemed like forever before anyone said whether lulu was a boy or a girl. she took to my breast immediately and surprised me with her powerful latch.  she wasn't cross-eyed like how gracie was moments after birth, and she lifted her head over and over again looking for my breast. she also even grabbed a hold of the midwife's stethoscope (or some instrument with a cord on it). she did, unfortunately, take a big ol' swallow of amniotic fluid on her way out, which betty had to suction out of her over and over again using a big, noisy, painful sounding machine that gave louisa a sore throat for a few days, but other than that, she was here and healthy and pink and perfect.

gracie finally got up on the bed and held my hand tight tight tight while i got stitches for a small tear.  (every time i ever got up on an exam table at the "lulu doctors" throughout my pregnancy, gracie was always right there, holding my hand and staying close.)  i think it was a relief for her to finally be able to do something.  she was so sweet and tender, and i was so glad to have her there with me.  and i think she was glad to have something to do. Adam and Gracie walked over to the Wal-Green's next door to buy some snacks and supplies while Amber rested and the midwives finished up tests on lulu and paperwork. When Adam returned, Amber and Barb said that Lulu really liked the name "Louisa Mae." That had not been Adam's top choice - and feeling utterly drained this made him cranky. But it just took some sleep and a couple of days of saying the name out loud for him to warm up to it.

after a couple of hours, we were free to go, and we were all so exhausted from staying up all night that we were anxious to get home.  i felt surprisingly GREAT after just pushing out a 9-lb baby.  i was able to navigate the steps down to the car just fine, and other than feeling dirty and tired, i was GOOD.  i came home to take a nice long shower, eat something, and then went straight to bed.  louisa was so excited to be here in the world, though, that she stayed up for a solid 12 hours before she finally napped!  at 1:00 pm my mom brought her into my bedroom with me, and when i snuggled her close, she just went right to sleep.

we've been enjoying getting to know louisa mae.  she seems to be a very intense child, who is frustrated that she has to be a baby -- everything is just out of reach and just out of focus for her, but each day she seems to get more and more interactive and social.  It also helps that we started giving her probiotics...her tummy was having a tough time adjusting to life on the outside, which had made her kind of a fussy little baby. Each day now she is getting happier and more comfortable in and curious about the world. we also had quite a bit of a challenge getting her to breastfeed, but a trip to the chiropractor (really?!  that's what the midwives suggested and it definitely helped!) and a lactation consultant fixed that up just fine. Actually, 'a bit of a challenge' is a huge understatement. The darn kid would simply not do it...Adam was past the breaking point and ready to just do bottles. But Amber showed amazing resilience and perserverance...she is such an incredible woman. I can't believe how strong she is...after watching her give birth to two big girls I am now twice convinced that she has a deeper well of power and strength within her than I can even imagine. 

Louisa is very snuggly and sweet, and very social, and doesn't want to be left alone for too long -- she gets lonely and bored!  and gracie has been an amazing big sister -- she likes to play with louisa (she was the first one to really get her to smile and laugh!) and pick out her clothes, especially her jammies.  we are over the moon.  how blessed are we to have TWO amazing, healthy, gorgeous little girls?  someone pinch me!

welcome, baby lulu!

it's funny how life gets all busy, and i don't blog for like a SUPER long time.

this blog first evolved after adam and i moved to the netherlands -- tired of writing really long mass emails that got sent to everyone but us, and never the same group of people twice, we began what was essentially a travel blog.

then news came that we were expecting a baby, and it became more personal -- stories of our "spruitje", written for posterity, so that our little one could someday go back and read about the time when she was just a tiny baby in her mama's womb, and the fun things she did as a baby living in holland.

then facebook came along, and it got super way mucho easy to just put everything on there. but that's not quite the same.

well, it's time to break out the old blog again. because we're expecting baby #2 in mid-may. and it hardly seems fair that miss mary grace should have all the fun stories, and poot little "baby lulu" gets nothing!

so, here goes the story of lulu:

back in august, we had what i suspect was a very early miscarriage. i was devastated. i had been on this hormone cream supplement for months, trying to prepare my body for pregnancy -- my doctor kept promising me all these miracle side-effects: shorter periods! no pms! better sleep! but i never experienced ANY of that. if anything, the stupid cream just made me MORE irritated -- probably because i was expecting all these miracles that my doctor kept swearing were coming any day now -- "we just have to change your dose," she'd say. sigh.

so, after what i believe was a miscarriage (but my doctor disagrees), i say "hey, doc. i'm going off this crap for a while." went the herbal route: chaste berry and wild yam. called an acupuncturist. got an intuitive reading. pulled out my tarot cards for the first time in FOREVER. bought pretty underwear. you know... witchy stuff.

suddenly, my period was late. "AHA!" i thought. "these herbs really work! my cycle has been balanced naturally!" and then my period STILL didn't come, so just to rule out pregnancy (cuz i was SURE i wasn't!), i peed on a stick and it came back positive. i could hardly believe it! i felt so NOT pregnant! i remember with gracie, i had been feeling slightly nauseous and EXHAUSTED for several days before i finally pieced it together. but this one was nothing like that. had the bloodwork at the midwives office not come back with hormone levels through the roof, i wouldn't have believed it at all.

well, fast forward -- i'm now over 14 weeks along. just done with my first trimester. and WOW is this pregnancy different than the one with gracie! for instance:

cravings:
gracie: tator tots, clementines, carrot juice
lulu: tator tots, bacon, pickled ginger, glasses of milk, bananas

symptoms:
gracie: none. i was all "i don't know why everyone is complaining all the time... being pregnant is SUPER easy. blah blah blah, look at me, i don't have any stretch marks, blah blah blah..." i did feel hot a lot of the time, though.
lulu: exhausted. puking. can't brush my teeth. headaches.

dreams:
gracie: babies
lulu: food

my mom says that i must be having a boy because i'm dreaming of food all the time and i want to eat biscuits and gravy morning, noon, and night. my sister says i'm having a boy because i started showing like day 2 of this whole thing, just like her. my acupuncturist says she feels boy energy. (i felt boy energy from gracie, too, and i was kind of partly right, but also kind of not...) gracie, however, says "he's a girl." so there you go. she's pretty certain lulu is going to be a sister. and kids are pretty in tune with stuff like that, so i'm going to guess she's probably right.

(and no, we won't be finding out the gender at our 20-week ultrasound. it's way more fun to keep guessing!)

gracie has had so much fun with this whole baby business. and honestly, i have no idea how she found out about "lulu" in the first place. we really weren't going to tell her until maybe the big ultrasound day, because 9 months is a long time for anyone to wait, especially a 3-year-old. but somehow, she got it. like, RIGHT away. "mom, can we name the baby lulu?"

wow.

don't ask me how she came up with that name. she's at the age where all of her stuffed animals and matchbox cars are named just like how they literally are: "froggie", "blue car", "zamboni", "yellow bear", etc. so -- lulu. that threw us for a loop. but, lulu it is, at least until baby is born and we put something different on the birth certificate.

(and, gracie tells us that after lulu is born, we can name her "batman" and then change gracie's name to "transformer." sounds reasonable to me!)

she's been SO sweet -- coming up to me to rub my back (without me asking her to!) when i'm bent over puking up this morning's breakfast. saving her old clothes and toys and shoes for lulu in a box in the garage. wondering if lulu will like to eat marshmallows and have a fire pit in the backyard too. wanting to teach lulu how to read books and do art projects. she's just so freaking amazing -- where did this all come from? it's completely intiated by her -- she just stops what she's doing and mentions something about wanting to share this with lulu when lulu is born, and then comes up to my belly to yell in there, to see if she can get lulu to kick and squirm (she usually can). it's amazing. it's adorable. it's very reassuring and sweet.

except for some mild spotting around week 7 or so, i've been feeling mostly fine. pukey and tired, but fine. my mom has been a great help, coming over and loading the dishwasher unannounced. adam has been doing daddy duty double overtime so that i can go to bed early. and, as i said already, gracie has been considerate, helpful, compassionate, and sweet.

i just wish i had more time to spend with this one. i feel like i spent so much time with gracie before she was even born -- and this child is just lucky to get 5 minutes from me at the end of the day. i often wonder if that's the reason i've been so sick during my first trimester: it's lulu's way of reminding me that she's actually in there and i need to pay attention to her!

anyway, i hope to utilize this blog much more as my pregnancy progresses and we get to know lulu better. so far i can say that she responds really well to gracie's touch and voice, likes potato chips, and has been kicking and squirming for at least the last 3 weeks. midwife appt tomorrow afternoon -- can't wait to hear her little heartbeat again! it's the prettiest sound in the world!

love you, lulu!

yay democracy!

yesterday i cut gracie out of school early for her civics lesson: i addressed city council on a vulnerable road user ordinance that was up for vote later that evening. she was such a good girl, sat in the peanut gallery with all the other observers, and quietly ate her goldfish crackers while i spoke my piece.


the denton record chronicle, our local paper, did a very brief write-up on what council did at last night's meeting, and it says that they:


• Passed a “vulnerable road user” ordinance designed to offer better protections for pedestrians, cyclists and people whose jobs force them to work around roadways.

The ordinance sets a safe passing distance of 3 feet for cars or light trucks and 6 feet for commercial vehicles. Violators could face $200 fines.

The ordinance is based on similar laws in 16 states and several Texas cities, including San Antonio and Austin, city officials said


here is the link to the video of my address, if you're interested. i'm the first one up, so you don't have to watch for very long to get to the point. yay, democracy!

"martin luther king day" or "how to raise a good UU"

"justice is what love looks like in public" ~dr. cornell west

to be honest, i've never really thought much about martin luther king day. it was always "just a day off" for me. i've never thought about it as a day of service, or a time to stop and reflect on the life and legacy of dr. king. i know, i'm a jerk.

but the more time i spend learning about my religion, unitarian universalism, the more and more i am learning to really appreciate not only the holiday, but the man and the movement behind it. as a unitarian universalist, i adhere to the seven UU principles:

• The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
• Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
• Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
• A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
• The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
• The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
• Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

martin luther king day should be, as UU's, our biggest holy day: for in this one day, nearly all of the 7 principles are met! inherent worth and dignity of all people, justice and equity, the use of the democratic process to manifest change, peace and justice for all, respect for every living being... i mean, come on! this is it! and the more i embrace my UU beliefs and values, the more and more i am realizing that this one day is really a very special and sacred and holy day. for on this day, we remember the struggles of those who made these principles possible, and we vow to continue their good fight by serving others and working tirelessly for equality, peace, compassion, and justice.

and, as a good UU mother, i want to raise my daughter to be a good UU too... or, at the very least, i want gracie to appreciate her UU upbringing and the UU values that we cherish in this household. (because, if i'm truly a good UU mom, then i will ultimately embrace whatever path my daughter chooses to connect with the Divine. hence the creation of her "god squad.")

so, today, in honor of the rev. dr. martin luther king, jr, and all that he (and others!) did to make this country and our world a better, safer, more loving place to be, gracie and i took part in some of the many celebrations that were happening in our town today:

after a trip to the gym, where i practiced ahimsa (nonviolence) in my yoga, we joined a group of friends to have a birthday party for dr. king. we made brown-bag lunches of cheese sandwiches, apples, and poundcake (the contents of the nearly 80,000 sack lunches that the people ate when they marched in washington, dc the day that mlk gave his "i have a dream speech"). then we sat on picnic blankets on the floor and read two storybooks: one was about the life of king, and the other one was his entire "i have a dream" speech, with color illustrations. along the way, we'd stop and talk with the kids about the big words in the book: "segregation," "discrimination," "slave." we talked about what it meant to be an upstander, vs being a bystander. we talked about the power of words and how that created a more lasting and powerful change than if people had used fists or guns or called each other bad names. we talked a little about the connection to ghandi, and his nonviolent struggle to end oppression (another big word we talked about). it was wonderful. inspiring. really amazing to see and hear these children, ranging in age from about 2 or 3 on up to 10 or 11, understanding, comprehending, discussing, questioning... absolutely beautiful.

then later today, gracie and i went on a march with about 100 other people, sponsored by a sorority at UNT. we gathered near the student union center, and after a few songs, speeches, and prayers, we walked about 3 miles to the MLK rec center. the weather was beautiful: nearly 60 degrees, sunny, breezy, and lovely, and the people marching were in good spirits. as we passed a park along the way, we seemed to double in size -- maybe people were having events of their own and were waiting for our group to show up? and then, just when i thought i couldn't push that damn stroller with my enormous 3-year-old in it any further, we were there!

when we walked into the MLK center, we were escorted to the gymnasium, which was set up with bleachers and chairs, and was already half full of people. i really had no idea what to expect -- i think was thinking that we'd get there, there'd be a speech or two, and people would say "thanks for coming, here's the bus to take you back to your car." but no, this was a big deal! the news was there, the mayor was there, a councilwoman was there, several ministers were there, people from the NAACP were there, there was the colorguard, a high school dance team, and a gospel choir. a kindergarten teacher gave a moving speech about the itsy bitsy spider and how he didn't give up, even when he kept getting knocked down, and how water can refresh us and sustain us, even when it seems like we're getting pushed around by it. (i'm not doing her justice -- it really was a great speech!) apparently there was going to be a dinner afterwards (i assume that some of the churches coordinated and asked people to contribute to a potluck???), but we left early: i called adam and he brought the car over to bring us home.

on the way home tonight, gracie and i were talking about martin luther king and our day today and what we learned. and though she is not quite 3 years old yet, i do think she understood two very important lessons today: one, that it's not okay to treat people differently, just because they have different skin, or different hair, or different clothes, or a different accent. all people are important and deserve respect and friendship. and two, words are more powerful than guns, fists, or name-calling. as for the rest, i think that we can build on that in years to come. it's a good start, and i'm proud of us for taking part in the events of today. i hope to make this a tradition in our family.

and, as long as i'm at it, where were all the unitarians today? not cool, guys! i didn't see anyone from my church, and i'm disappointed! i hope next year to get a group together (now that i know better what to expect), and possibly get us a banner so we can represent our church and our religion! so consider this your warning: i'm recruiting you for next year's rally! and we should do a service project too! this is an important event that we need to be a part of!

mother-daughter spirituality circle

shortly before my best girlfriend, teresa, got married in 2009, i was invited to a spirituality circle of her mom's. the group had been meeting semi-regularly for years (maybe even decades?), and we young daughters were invited to join in as one of the women was celebrating her crone-ing ceremony. i was so inspired by the group's depth, connection, and divine power, that i decided then and there that i too was going to begin a spirituality circle of my own.

then we moved, and things just got away from me. unpacking three-years' worth of stuff that had previously been in storage in the usa, plus three-years' worth of stuff that we had accumulated while living in the netherlands, plus getting my husband and child settled in to their routines, plus trying to build a business of my own, plus getting to know my new town and make new friends... well, i just didn't have TIME! but i never forgot. i kept tossing it around in my brain and in my heart, quietly discerning what this group would look like, who i would invite, and what our focus was going to be.

all the while, i was making countless friends, most of them with children of their own, many of whom were girls nearly the same age as gracie. and that's when it occurred to me: start a group of mothers with daughters gracie's age. and meet as often as we want/can, to teach our daughters about the divine power within each of them, the power of intention, the importance of service, the importance of ritual.


we've only met a few times thus far:

the first time we met, we gathered on a playground outside the denton unitarian universalist fellowship to celebrate the fall equinox and to meet everyone else who had been invited to the circle (thus far). we introduced our daughters by telling the stories behind their names, and made a tea for the trees using acorns and herbs from our garden. then we offered these libations to the trees and earth, as a way to say thank you for all that they have provided to us in the past year. each daughter got to take home a small bit of tea, which they were encouraged to pour into their gardens, beneath the trees that protect their homes, or somewhere else spiritually significant to them.

the next time we met, it was at my house to celebrate a traditional halloween (samhain), the way that the ancient celts and druids (and many modern-day pagans) celebrate: a feast for the ancestors! we brought items to place on the altar (pictures of the dead, mementoes from our ancestors, keepsakes from our ancestral homelands, family heirlooms, pomegranates, apples sliced along the equator to display the 5-pointed star in the center, and a nice place-setting for the ancestors to eat at). everyone brought a little vegan-friendly potluck item (squash and mushroom soup, salad, gluten-free bread, nuts and seeds, fresh fruits and veggies, apple cider, etc), and then each child served the ancestors by placing a small amount of that particular food onto the ancestor-plate on the altar. then we all served ourselves and as we ate, we talked about our ancestors, and remembered especially those who have left us in the last year. the girls all got to decorate pumpkins and gourds with stickers and crayons, and we got out the face paint so our daughters could decorate our faces too!

the most recent gathering was at j's house, on the winter solstice, where we welcomed our newest member (w, a girl who was born at the beginning of november) and literally rang in the new year by welcoming the sun with bells. we were also fortunate that some of OUR mothers were there, so that even the grandmothers were able to partake in the events of the day. the daughters made sun bonnets out of yellow felt and way too much glitter, while we mothers sat and ate and drank coffee and just generally enjoyed the coziness of each other's company. before we left, everyone went outside into the cold, bright sunshine, and rang bells to welcome back the sun. (it gives me a new perspective when i hear an alarm clock now.) :-)

on monday we will gather once again to celebrate martin luther king day. i'm not sure what all it will entail, but it will be guaranteed to be a remarkable, powerful, and spiritually-uplifting event. and i look forward to many future gatherings: learning about other cultures (chinese new year, perhaps?), serving others (as the girls get older, maybe we can volunteer somewhere to give back to our community), becoming politically active (writing letters to amnesty international or taking part in the annual "take back the night" marches across the country), celebrating the seasons (let's dance around a maypole on the summer solstice!), connecting with the earth (camping trip, anyone?), and celebrating the cycles of life (significant birthdays, first menses, graduations, etc). as our daughters grow, i am hopeful that the connection we are building in this circle will grow as well. and as our daughters grow and eventually have daughters of their own, i pray that the lessons we learned together in this group will be passed on to their daughters, and their daughters' daughters, and so on, throughout all the generations.

introducing gracie's newest goddess-mama!

i'm sure you've guessed it already: auntie valerie!

valerie has been the most amazing, generous, incredible, amazing, wonderful, amazing friend ever ever ever. seriously. this girl is MADE of love and hugs and sweetness. she has been an extremely important friend for me over the years and continues to take up more and more room in my heart every day that passes. she is amazing. have i told you how amazing she is?

i first met valerie when i had JUST moved to the netherlands, back in 2006 (can it be that long ago?!). i found a unitarian universalist congregation in holland -- there was only one in the whole country, and at that time they only met one time a month -- and she and i happened to be there on the very same day. and, to make it even MORE spectacular and serendipitous, she had actually been to my former UU congregation back in boulder on more than one occasion -- she even attended on a sunday when i had a solo in the choir! can you believe it?! what a crazysmall world!

so of course i attached myself to her immediately -- for better or worse, i was in love with the woman who was in love with the UU church of boulder.

valerie was the first friend i made in the netherlands who just called me to talk one day. like, just dialed me up one day on her cell phone and was all "hey, wanna keep me company while i commute home?" i don't know if she'll ever know how much that meant to me, just to gab on the phone with a girlfriend. it was definitely memorable -- i'm still talking about it four years later!

valerie always opened her home to us, whether we came out by ourselves to amsterdam or brought out friends who were visiting from the usa. she even let nick and teresa cootie-up her apartment when they were spending a couple of days in amsterdam before flying home from a visit to us at christmas. teresa and nick got TERRIBLY sick with the flu and needed a place to crash before their flight home -- valerie, without hesitation, opened her home to them and then quickly ran away to her boyfriend's house so she wouldn't get the crud. and like, valerie hardly knew them! but she did it anyway. she's just that great.

and, one more story, just to prove my point: adam and valerie had been planning a surprise baby shower for me, but a few days before the party was to begin, valerie got the terrible news that her opa had died. the funeral was going to be back in the usa, and she needed to be there. but instead of packing up at her place in amsterdam, and trying to catch up on work that she would miss while she was gone, she got in her little red car, drove across the entire country, and delivered my sheet cake for the party with the most disappointed-sounding "surpriiiiise...." that you'd ever hear. then we went shopping for an outfit for her opa's funeral, she got back in her car, and promptly broke down before she even got out of town. this girl! she's so amazing! who DOES that for their friends?!

so i don't know why we didn't think of inviting valerie to be a part of the god squad from the get-go... i think maybe at that point i hadn't really realized how incredible she was, as we'd only been friends for a couple of years. and we'd only see each other maybe once a month, if that. but she has proven time and again how loyal she is to us, how dedicated she is to be a part of gracie's life, and how much she loves all three of us.

when we learned this past summer that valerie was going to be in colorado to see her dad at around the same time that we were going to be in colorado too, we formally invited her to be a part of this god squad. to be fair, valerie had kind of already bestowed upon herself the honor, by writing letters in dutch to gracie, sending gifts from sinterklaas, mailing her birthday presents, always asking about her in every phone call and email, and just generally staying REALLY involved in gracie's life (and ours too). in fact, she's been more involved than some of gracie's own relatives. now THAT says a lot!

so we were really excited to see our dear friend, and to celebrate her BIRTHDAY with her, no less! valerie found a water park in engelwood that she wanted to take gracie to, so we drove up there from colorado springs to meet her, and we all magically showed up in the parking lot at the exact same moment! we spent the day splashing and swimming and digging in the sandbox, going down waterslides, getting soaked by giant buckets of water, and just goofing off and playing all day long. she is amazing. have i said that already? cuz she is. it seemed like no time had passed at all since i last saw her, and yet it had been more than a YEAR. that's when you know you have found a good friend -- when you can just pick up where you left off. she's amazing.


after an afternoon of splashing and playing and having FUN, we all went out to dinner in castle rock, CO. valerie chose a place that served both italian and mexican food, and we all cozied up in a booth, drinking wine and coffee, and enjoying our pasta (or, in valerie's case, her chimichangas or whatever it was she picked out -- mexican food is hard to come by in holland, so she really wanted something smothered in green chili, naturally). we told gracie about her god squad and explained to her how it came to be and who is in it. we told gracie why she has a god squad, and why that is important to feel a connection to god/goddess/the universe/the divine. we told gracie about some funny/sweet stories about her and auntie valerie. we asked valerie what her intentions were, and how she saw her role in the god squad. then we all toasted each other to make it official. it all seemed very appropriate that we would celebrate auntie valerie's induction to the god squad in a restaurant, after spending a whole day playing in the water. holland is wet. valerie loves to cook (and to eat!). so water and food seemed like perfect elements to have in our day. how absolutely appropriate!

(oh, and then we went to a bar to teach gracie how to shoot pool. as long as it was pouring outside and unsafe to drive, we figured we had better do something fun while we waited for a break in the weather!)


valerie was generous enough to give gracie a necklace with a little vial of purple fairy dust in it to honor their connection. and knowing valerie as i do, it was the perfect gift. i am still finding purple glitter around my home, all these months later... either i am a terrible housekeeper, or the fairies keep visiting my daughter to tell her how much auntie valerie loves her.



welcome, valerie! i am sorry that we didn't invite you sooner, but we are so grateful that you are a part of gracie's circle now! (and, to your credit, you kind of always acted like you were in the god squad anyway, so it's absolutely appropriate that you are now "formally" a part of it!) thanks for all you have done for our daughter! WE LOVE YOU!!!!

my halloween with spiderman

neither adam nor i are completely sure exactly when or how gracie got on this whole spiderman kick, but here it is. in fact, gracie will no longer answer to her name. "actually, i'm not gracie," she explains to me. "i'm pie-doo-man." or, more often than not, "i'm spiderman-manray-batman-diego, mom." aha. sorry i mistook you for someone else. my bad.

no matter how she got on this fixation with spiderman, the fact is that all day everyday, she IS spiderman. even people at our church are beginning to call her "spiderman." maybe they don't know her name? or maybe they don't want to be reprimanded by a 2-year-old on exactly how she should be addressed? but when she wakes up in the morning, often the very first thing she says is "i wanna put on my spiderman suit and my spiderman song and my spiderman cape."

so of course, when we asked gracie what she wanted to be for halloween, her emphatic reply was "i'm not gracie. i'm pie-doo-man!" so that's what she went as. (in fact, that's what her jack-o-lantern went as this year too.) her former teacher, miss lucy, gave gracie her son's old spiderman costume, complete with built-in muscles and mask. and this is what we now wear ALL. THE. TIME. i have to sneak it in the wash when she's not looking or is asleep, like how most parents have to wrestle a stuffed animal or favorite blanket out of their child's sticky fingers. for us, it's the spiderman costume.

right around the time that gracie got her spiderman costume, adam found a 2-sizes-too-small superman costume which he HAD to get. so, going along with the theme, i decided to go as wonderwoman. (and, btw, finding a wonderwoman costume -- or, indeed, ANY women's costume -- that ISN'T skanky/slutty/offensive is disturbingly difficult to do. check out this HILARIOUS video to see exactly what i had to deal with this year. it's funny cuz it's sadly true.)

not that we needed to get our money's worth out of gracie's costume since it was free, after all -- but we did make sure we spent as much time at halloween events as we could so that she had lots of opportunities to dress up like spiderman. (little did we know that she'd be wearing her costume first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and struggling with her to take it off because she actually needs to take a bath/go to school/put on something CLEAN.) so we went to lots of different things: a kids concert with halloween music, spooky storytime at the library, and of course trick-or-treating with all of her friends.

gracie did much better this year at trick-or-treating than last year. last year, she was most excited about ringing the doorbell. then when someone would answer the door, she'd get all shy and scared and hide behind our legs, until we took a piece of candy for her and said thank you, and then move along. this year she rang the doorbell, said "trick-or-treat" in her sweetest voice ever, took only one piece of candy willingly and without help, and then politely said "thank you" as she skipped down the sidewalk chatting with her little girlfriends about what they got. too cute!

after a couple of hours of trick-or-treating, we finally made it home just in time to offer candy to trick-or-treaters of our own. (sadly, our neighborhood is LAME when it comes to t-or-t. many of the residents of our neighborhood are not only grandparents, but many are great-grandparents. and no one goes trick-or-treating at great-grandma's house. so the majority of homes in this neighborhood are dark on halloween because 1. no one is coming by anyway, and 2. it's too hard to get up and down off the couch to hand out the candy. sad, but true. our adorable neighbor across the street -- who is 92 years old and lives alone and weeds-whacks and puts out the trash bins and fills the birdbath all by herself -- basically told us this is the case. but we predict that will change as more young families like ours move into the neighborhood in the coming years...) anyway, we got home around 7:45, switched on the porch light, and within a minute we had someone ring our doorbell! huzzah! we had hoped gracie would be able to hand out some candy before bed, and we were just really lucky that someone rang our bell so early!

well, we had already dumped out her stash of goodies on the floor to inspect the candy that might be unsafe to eat. and gracie is so excited to eat her yummy treats that she picks out a piece for herself (a sucker, naturally), and then really wants daddy and mama to enjoy the candy party too and starts just handing us pieces of her OWN candy. what a doll! then the doorbell rings, and i jump up and say, "hey, spiderman!" -- because of course i can't call her gracie -- "there are trick-or-treaters at our door! let's go give them some candy!" and being the sweet child that she is, she starts happily picking up her own candy up off the floor to bring it to the door to give it away to the trick-or-treaters. and being the doofus i am, i was like "oh no, honey -- that's YOUR candy. we have DIFFERENT candy for the trick-or-treaters." argh! i'm so stupid! i should have totally let her give her candy away! that would have been so sweet of her! candy as communal property! what was i thinking?!


anyway, it was wonderful. as is everything that we do with her. it's all just wonderful. full of wonder.

(and, within a couple of days, she forgot all about her candy, so adam and i ate it all! nom nom nom!)

happy halloween!